Birth of My Soul
by truly-tazi
Summary: Songfic. Angel sees Spike's soul.


**Birth of My Soul**

_by tazi_

_**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy._

_**Song:** Birth of My Soul by Dave Pahanish. -- davepahanish dot com_

_(at Angel Investigations)_

_ring_

"Angel Investigations..."

"Come now."

"..."

"Angel?"

"I'm not sure..."

"He needs you."

"Lorne..."

"And you need him."

"But I..."

"Trust me, Angelcakes. Just get here."

_sigh_ "I'm on my way."

_click_

"Trust you. I hope you're right, Lorne. For both our sakes, I hope you're right."

_(at Caritas)_

As soon as I walk through the door I scan the room. I don't see him. I'm torn between feeling relieved and scared. I've been told by people I know would never lie to me and yet I still can't bring myself to believe. I need to see it, to feel it.

But what if it's true? What does it mean? Was this meant to be? I'm afraid to hope.

I feel Lorne behind me. He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it reasuringly.

"Stop thinking, Angel."

"I...

"Shh. No thinking, no talking. Just listen. Listen with your heart and your soul. You'll learn all you need to know, sugar.

The demons that have just finished singing leave the stage. Lorne moves off into the crowd to meet them and give them their reading.

I move closer to the stage and find a spot out of the way to stand and watch. When the room becomes quiet I look up to the stage just as he walks up to the microphone.

I can feel my un-needed breath catch in my throat. He's wearing faded blue jeans and a soft blue pull-over shirt. His hair hangs in soft curls over his forehead.

This is not Spike I'm seeing before me. There is no arrogance, no cocky all-to-sure of himself, big bad attitude. This is William. I can feel the fear and uncertainty coming from him. He looks like he wants to bolt. It must be sheer will keeping him up there.

He takes hold of the microphone in a death grip. He inhales deeply then looks up at the audience, at me. His eyes lock on mine and SweetMaryMotherofJoseph! I can see it.

I can feel him as soon as I walk out onto the stage. His presence calls to me in more ways now than it used to. I'm not sure if I can do this. Not even sure if I should. How did I let Lorne talk me into this?

Every nerve in me is screaming to run, to get away, to hide. But there's something deep inside me, something strange and unfamiliar urging me forward. I try to focus on it, pushing all other thoughts away.

I reach out and grip the microphone as tight as I can without breaking it. I force myself to look up, to look at him. And I will him to see me, _please see me_.

The music starts playing and I let it wash over me.

_Dark days come floating by,  
I feel the pain and I walk and wonder why._

When I went to Africa I had no idea what I was asking that demon for. When I realized he had given me back my soul, I thought it was for Buffy, so I could be the man she needed me to be. Sometimes it's easier for others, who are outside looking in, to see the things we can't.

_When the smoke has cleared I find,  
another one of my crippling fears has died._

When I finally came to terms with the voices of my past singing in my head, I took a real good look at my relationship with Buffy. It was based on love, but not my love for her. It was my love for you, my sire, that drove me to her. I was afraid I'd lost your love forever, and if I couldn't have your love, I'd have what you loved.

_And the world is thirsting for disaster,  
my heart starts beating faster,  
and my anger overshadows my soul._

When I realized what I had done...almost did..._no_...what I did do to her, I was so lost. I couldn't see past my own pain, my own need, my own anger, to see what we were doing to each other.

_I was wrong, I'll own up to the fact that I had turned my back on what's right,  
and forsaken the child in my heart to take part and belong in a world that clearly wasn't me._

I couldn't face the fact that after all these years, I was still a childe that needed his sire. Me, the Big Bad. Master Vampire. So I turned to the slayer and her friends, trying to be a part of their world, to lose myself. Can you picture it, Sire? Me, Spike, William the Bloody, a Scooby. Pathetic.

_I have no need for sympathy,  
it's the changes that are making me whole,  
leading up to the birth of my soul._

I don't want you to feel sorry for me Sire, 'cause I don't feel sorry for myself. We choose the paths we take to get where we need to be. I may not like the path I had to follow, but I like where I've ended up. Especially, if it's led me back to you.

_And I know if I keep on trying,  
all I need it will be provided for.  
I can see from the love I've given to the world,  
the world has given me more._

I know it won't be easy. A lot has happened between us, to us. But we're fighters, you and me. We've been fighting our whole lives. We've been given another chance, Sire. Maybe now we can fight for us.

_And I know, there's an answer to the question,  
but there is danger in perfection,  
I once tried to be the one in control._

I know I turned my back on you as much as you turned your back on me. I had trouble accepting your soul. I couldn't see you as my sire, a master vampire. So I tried hard to prove I no longer needed you. That I was now the master.

_Let me know when I've gone astray,  
it is hard enough just to find my way back home._

Will you help me, Sire? Help me to find my way through this. To find my way to that place where we can be together. Please, Sire?

_Let me know what you want from me,  
I'm only strong when you're there with me I know. _

_I was wrong..._

I need you, Sire. _Please, need me_.

He never takes his eyes off of me. I'm glad because it's all there. Everything he's feeling, laid bare for me to see.

I can't stop the tears that stream down my face. He needs me, my childe needs me. More importantly, he wants me. I won't let him go this time. We've both paid a high price to be here.

As the song ends I can see him falter and I am there. I catch him as his legs give out and pick him up. I cradle him in my arms and he buries his face in my chest. He is emotionally and physically drained.

"It's ok, Childe. I have you, we're going now."

"Home, Sire?"

"Yes, home."


End file.
